That's the Writer

The coolest thing happened to me this week:

I had sneaked off to the office to steal 10 minutes to write while the girls hosted their 13^th Barbie wedding for the day. Not having any formal ninja training, my attempts to slip away are usually quickly thwarted.  I heard the wedding break up (something Ken said wrong, apparently) and little voices checking the bathroom for mommy (I hide there a lot.)

Four feet pitter-pattered up the steps, and I was found before my chair was even dented.

But they decided to play together in the office, so I kept working. They were playing "see who can scream the loudest." I'm not sure who was winning, but I know I was losing. Once that game was complete (thankfully prior to my stabbing myself with a #2 pencil,) they moved into a pretend game. One was the mommy, and one was the baby.

(image by Billy Alexander via sxc.hu)

At one point, the baby turned to me and asked "Mommy, can I have more milk in my bottle?" To which the other mommy said, "Sweetie pie, that's not the Mommy. That's the writer."

That's the writer.

My heart melted. My shoulders rose. I let the words bounce happily in my head. That's the writer. I was so pleased, I nearly turned into the Tickle Monster. But I stopped myself. If I was playing the writer, I was sure going to put my best into the role.

So I kept tapping away at the keyboard, rustling papers, and saying "what's the right word for..." I performed magnificently, if I do say so myself, with the exception of a smile which was slightly too big.

I was the writer.

Seven Sweet Side Effects of Blogging

Sure there's lots of discussions on whether writers should blog. In the context of the "to blog or not to blog" discussion, blogging is considered one of two things: 1) Advertising or 2) A Distraction. Blogging can certainly do a great job at those things.  

Fox in Box
(Fox by Marcin Rybarczyk,
Box by Billy Alexander, via sxc.hu)

I know you have lots of other priorities like feeding your family or earning real money or showering once a week...blah, blah, blah...but as a blogging convert, I can tell you there are many benefits of blogging for writers -and for anyone - to consider.  

Seven Sweet Side Effects anyone could experience from blogging:

1.      Share your knowledge about, well, anything with, well, anyone who happens by. You love Health Food? Great tell us about it and enjoy acknowledgement from others who do too.

2.      Build community with other people who love the same things (Stargazing? Pickle-making?) Discuss the most current topics and share insights on solving problems. ("My pickles wrinkled!")

Rocks in Box
(Box by Billy Alexander,
Rocks by Karin Lindstrom,
via sxc.hu)

3.      Learn more about your topic (Crafting with Lint, perhaps?) from readers who have experienced similar situations, reassurance from readers who agree with you, and lessons from readers who disagree with your points. ("I would never add glitter to my lint!")

4.      Be creative. Especially if you're in a non-creative day job, like say an accountant or engineer, you may not get to be creative for most of the week.  Let yourself have a break. Creative thinking is needed in every job and will help you shine.

5.      Hone your writing skills.  Expressing yourself on paper (or screen) is important for any career and even in your personal life. Being able to write well makes the difference between others supporting your ideas or not. 

Writer in Box
(Box by Billy Alexander via sxc.hu)

6.      Photography skills. Blog posts need pictures, because humans are visual beings and search engine robots like to know a human wrote a post. Whether snapping your own or editing pictures with free software like Gimp, photo skills are great to have for work and for home. (Okay, I'm not great, but I had fun putting these things in boxes-->)

7.      Gain confidence. Even 1 follower is 1 follower and having someone interested in what you say feels great. You do actually know some stuff. You have value to add to the world. You are uniquely you. And you are wonderful! (That's the picture book version of a pep talk...)

Bonus #8. I forgot one! Excitement. Perhaps not everyone is as easily amused as yours truly, but I get a little rush when I get comments or a retweet. Life can be a little routine at times, and blogging is a great way to spice it up!

All for the low price of a couple hours a week. That's one of the best deals out there!

My Childhood Memories are Dead

I had the pleasure of kicking off the NaPiBoWriWee event hosted by Paula Yoo on Wednesday with my post: 7 Simple Steps to Write 7 Picture Books in 7 Days. Stop on over to have a laugh and join in the challenge to write 7 drafts in a week!

On the downside this week, I had the misfortune of realizing my childhood memories wouldn't work in my writing because they are extinct. 

Take for example:

Lauri wrapped the telephone cord around her finger and listened to Zack's story about making the winning shot in the basketball game. All the loops of the cord were stretched straight as she sought one more inch of privacy. Unfortunately, she ran into her big sister who was tapping her watch. "I have to go," Lauri said. "You say bye first." "No you," Zack said. "No you," she giggled. Her sister pounded the receiver with a sneer. Click.

This is a real telephone.
(image by Rybson via sxc.hu)

See what I mean? First of all, cords?  I barely even remember what a telephone cord is anymore, and it's my memory! [Note to any kids reading this: a "telephone cord" used to transmit sound from the receiver to the phone back in the last century long before wireless signals filled the air.]

Second, do they even have to worry about finding privacy with wireless phones? They can walk around, go outside, hide in their closets. It's not fair! (whoops, that was little me throwing a tantrum)

Plus, do they even have to wait for a turn or do they just use their own cellphone? I suppose they don't even have 45 minute phone conversations while watching the Wonder Years with their boyfriend. Nah, they probably just text between tweets about American Idol picks.

Can you spot the problems in this passage?

Lauri hopped on her bike and rode to the library. She peddled so fast her pigtails flew in the wind.  She wandered through the stacks, selected a few books, and brought them to the librarian to stamp.  When she walked out the colors in the sky meant Mom would be serving dinner soon.

 a.      No helmet?!

b.      Out on the streets alone?!

c.       The librarian stamped the book.

d.      Just knowing it was dinner without knowing the time or getting a text

e.       All of the above

Last one:

Lauri's head still hurt from Johnny pulling her ponytail, but her heart hurt worse. She thought he liked her, but then why would he hurt her? She kicked harder on the swings leaving the sad thoughts behind her on the breeze.

There are still swings, right? Boys are still immature, aren't they? And I know hearts still get broken.

Maybe there are still a few timeless memories!  

Okay, fess up - what childhood memories of yours are irrevocably dated? Or if you're young, could you help me update these scenarios?!

How to Break Up with a Manuscript

Hey there, My First Manuscript. [Casually punches manuscript in shoulder and smiles uneasily]

We need to talk.

I Love You Not
(image by nubuck via sxc.hu)

We've had this off again, on again relationship for a long time now. You and I both know this isn't going to work out. I mean, I love your humor and sweetness, but it's time we end this thing.  

It's not you- it's me. 

I will always adore your cute anthropomorphic characters, but you know society frowns on them. I'm tired of having to cover up our secret.

But it's not you- it's me. 

I've grown a lot in the last year. Sure, my word selection and dialogue skills have improved, but I can't fix you. It's not fair to you. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are. [Mumbles under breath] I doubt you'll actually find anyone who does, but you never know.

But again it's me, not you.

                                        

In fact it's my growing skills that are making me see you in a new light. All your flaws- your flat characters, your sagging middle, your anti-climatic climax- are so obvious now, and I just can't help but obsess over them.

No, I didn't mean it like that. It's not you. It's just that I crave excitement, and you're a tad boring. Not boring in a bad way, umm, boring in a quiet way.

Now, don't start preaching your "if we cooperate, we can solve this problem together" moral. No one likes a didactic message shoved down her throat- this is one of the reasons this is never going to work.

[Wraps arms around manuscript] You'll always be my first love, and I'll never forget how much we've learned together. I hope you'll remember that when I shove you into the bottom of this drawer.

[Closes drawer silently] I know I should delete you, shred you, but how could I be so cruel? Plus maybe one night I'll be woozy from Sharpie fumes, and you'll be back in my arms again.

--

Any other break ups out there? Oh, how did it go so wrong?

Tagging Thyme!

Tag!  You're it! That's pretty much the worst thing you can hear when you're not very fast. Luckily, I was persistent and had a strong enough bladder to outlast my faster opponents for the occasional win at Tag.

Coming out of my shell a little bit...
(by Suzula via sxc.hu)

 So when Marcie Colleen tagged me for Tagging Thyme, I was happy to find that endurance (there's 11 QUESTIONS) was going to be more important than speed (she tagged me a few weeks ago. And I STILL haven't gone tinkle.)   Thank you Marcie!

Yeah, thanks for making me share MORE about myself, and not letting me hide in my well-appointed hermit crab shell.  Blogging has been a very healthy experience for a hermit like me, because I've found you have to come out of shell a bit to for your emotions to penetrate your writing. So, really, truly this time:  Thank you Marcie!

I have to answer 11 questions then tag 11 people who would be willing to answer weird questions.  (note I am recognizing at this point that Marcie has picked me for the "weird" team.)

1)  What is the strangest thing you have ever eaten in public?  
     
I ate a McDonalds Cheeseburger with mustard and ketchup on it, because I couldn't scrape it all off. Even though I hated the taste of it, I ate because it was my BFF's 6^th birthday and I didn't want to screw it up. I don't really eat strange things, though I did swallow a bug on a walk last night. I swear I feel wings still tickling my throat. Ack, ack.

2)  If you had to go on an adventure with elves, dwarves, or hobbits who would you take and why?
        

Of the classes of things I would NOT like to go an adventure with or even really to the grocery store with, the top three would be elves, dwarves and hobbits. The hobbits seem the most harmless, but I think they might want to engage in endless small talk, and I like some solace on my journeys. I suspect elves would be prone to trickery, and trick wars always escalate to a point where no one is cool with it. That leaves dwarves. Since I am shadowed by two small people most minutes of most days, this would be the most normal. 

3)  You are at a rural retreat lodge somewhere deep in Wisconsin or Canada. You are approached by a taxidermist who hands you a stuffed badger and asks you to put it in your lap. What do you do next?
         
Badgers are strange looking creatures. How could one really tell the difference between a stuffed one and a live one? They are mean little bastards too (pardon my language, but it is the right word for the badger). Is this one wearing the red and white striped knickers of the Wisconsin Badgers? Then, no. Is it snarling? Then, no. Does the taxidermist have a knife? Well, then I suppose I would put it in my lap.

Beware all that fiber- you'll
need a bathroom break.
(by salsachica via sxc.hu)

4)  If you were given biscotti, would you prefer it with coffee, tea, or hot chocolate?
           
Coffee, though I don't really get Biscotti. That's a lot of chewing per ounce of enjoyment.

5)  In your opinion, who is the funniest man or woman alive today? (comedian)
            
Tina Fey. Her Liz Lemon character was a mirror of me in so many boring, nerdy ways.

6)  If you were given thirty seconds on television to say something, what would it be?
              
"Good evening. Let me read you a little tale I wrote. I hope you find it more interesting than Jersey Shore, Hillbilly Fishing, Toddlers in Tiaras, Storage Wars... [Pause. I realize here I cannot compete with such high caliber tubery] On second thought, maybe you could just visit your local bookstore when you're in the mood for a story. Coming up next, help Marilee extract a wedding shoe's 4 inch heel out of her fiancé's ear on Shut Up and Marry Me!"

7)  What is your idea of the most romantic date setting ever?
              
On the water - kayaking or sailing on a lake. Both require cooperation and focus on the experience.

Me with Kit, the Knight Rider car, wearing
what I recall was my best sweatpants outfit.

8)  If you could go on one date with a movie or television star, who would it be and why?
               
I think David Hasselhoff would be a lot of fun. I wonder if he would pick me up in Kit? Whatever, don't judge me. Knight Rider was the best show ever. Plus, I'm pretty sure David's good on the water after 11 years of Baywatch.

9)  What is the worst song you have ever heard?
                
There is such a fine line between worst and best. During the holidays I enjoy Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey. It's like having a 4 inch heel embedded in your ear: hard to get out of your head.

10)  If you could live anywhere else, where would it be?

I really like it here in New Jersey, but oh to be an adventurer living in South Africa or the Amazon. Perhaps when the fear of contracting some exotic disease and leaving the children motherless has decreased, I'll pursue something new.

11)  Who- in your opinion- was the greatest person to ever live?

Well, the way this question is phrased - in my opinion - leaves me only one choice.

My mom is pretty great, what with creating me and crap like that. This job of Mother is a pretty darn hard one, so she has my respect and love. And she has always said "You should write a book!" 

I need to tag 11 people for Tagging Thyme. Thankfully, I see a few of you have had to take a bathroom break allowing me to catch up to you! Tag, you're it!

Mike Allegra  

Tracy Bermeo

Laura Sassi 

Coleen Patrick

Catherine Johnson 

Leslie Zampetti

Romelle Broas

Penny Klostermann 

Cathy Ballou Mealey

Erik Weibel

Lori Degman

All These Voices in my Head

Last summer I posted about my Mommy Multiple Personality Disorder and explained all 7 of my mom personalities including Giant Exploding Blueberry Monster (a bad mommy) and Rapping Mary Poppins (a good mommy.) 

Now I'm admitting I have a writing personality disorder too. Split-Voiceitosis. Yes, it's serious, but don't worry - I don't think it's too late for treatment.

It must have started in the fall, when I was striving for five polished picture book manuscripts (because Tara Lazar recommended that goal, and she's smart.) Finally, I had a solid stack of manuscripts, but then ah, snapadoodle! Each one was totally different. I don't mean the theme of the stories (of course they were different stories), but like written by seven writers with these distinct voices:

That's one messed up writer!
(Image by Lauri Meyers)

1.       Sweet, quiet, lullaby voice that cuddles in blankets and drinks hot chocolate. 

2.       Boy voice that throws boogers and makes mudpies which emit farting sounds.

3.       Pink, glitter-covered, boa-wearing princess voice forced upon me by Barbie-playing, princess-dressing, sequin-decorating little girls. Oh how they pry into my once tomboyish brain.

4.       Slapstick comedian voice with a lot of "nuk-nuk-nuks" and a banana peel on every corner.

5.       Psychedelic pink elephants on parade voice with imagination run wild where you have to actually read the book backwards to get the real meaning.  

6.       Dark, edgy voice which should be locked up tight, because she scares me and it's embarrassing for a grown woman to jump into bed at night so the creatures don't grab her ankles.

7.       Exhausted Mother voice which is my most me-voice. Unfortunately, when mother slips into a story with her morals, wagging fingers, and baby carrots she can ruin a perfectly good tale.

That's when I realized I had Split-Voiceitosis. I could elect the "Pick It and Stick It" treatment method by selecting one voice to take the lead. Or I could just let them all co-exist until one clearly becomes the dominant voice. I just hope Dark & Edgy doesn't win, because then I'll have to carry a flashlight at all times.  

Do you have competing voices? What would you do?

Great Picture Book Rating Scale

With the weather springing into life, I need to force myself to focus. Since I'm a procrastinator, I will do little things on little projects to avoid doing the big things on the big projects. That means I have to pick one (or two, I have a loose definition of focus) picture book(s) to coddle with attentive editing and love.

Unfortunately, this feels akin to picking a favorite child, which is generally frowned upon. As for the ones which don't get picked, I won't make them sleep under the stairs or feed them bread crusts (like my real children.) It just means they will have to be a little more patient and wait until mama's ready to give them proper attention. 

I have been studying picture books and learning how to write picture books, but when the time came to pick my favorite I was still stumped:

What factors determine a picture book's chance of success?

There's clearly an emotional element to the selection; each one is special in its own way (even the one who bangs his head on the seesaw when I'm busy.) The best way I know to strip out the emotion is with a spreadsheet! Sometimes my nerdy analytical side surprises even me.

So I created a rating system, and I will now force each manuscript to run the gauntlet so I can rate them like the wicked stepmother I am! Ah Ha Ha! Halve the food rations! None of you deserve so much crust! Sorry, my brain must still be a bit warped from Spring Break, which btw is only a break for the teachers as best as I can tell.  

Anyhow, here is The Picture Book Rating Scale:

I need your help weighing in on the right factors and the rating.  Am I missing something? Which one is the most important?  Should all the factors be given the same importance?  Could I narrow it down to a few key ones which really make a difference? With your help I just may be able to focus!

(Thanks to Nessa Morris for publishing this post in the Opening a Can of Bookworms April 12, 2013 edition!)