Mommy Multiple Personality Disorder


It has been a rough week.  I was diagnosed with "Mommy Multiple Personality Disorder."  The psychiatrist found seven personalities.  Let me introduce them to you:

Lauri Meyers Children's Book Writer
"I want the cream cheese ON TOP
of the jelly.  DO IT AGAIN MOM!"
Best Mommy in the World - This mommy has a lollipop in her purse, plays tag at the park, and always says yes to playing Play-doh.  Best Mommy also gets the kids on their best behavior, because no child can resist a mom who is 100% engaged.

Giant Exploding Blueberry Monster - This mommy cannot. Listen. To. Whining. Anymore. If you ask for the cheese balls one more time, Mommy monster's face will turn blue, her muscles will bulge out of yoga pants, and her mouth will explode in a fit of indecipherable yelling.

Super Wife - Husband is greeted at the door by the aroma of lobster tail with risotto, a perfectly poured beverage, and a sweet peck on the lips.  The house is miraculously clean, so husband can relax and play with his well-behaved children. 

Stretched Thin as a Pin - During especially stressful weeks, this mommy is actually made of glass.  She appears to be super mommy until one wrong move causes the needle to scratch across the record (can I still use that metaphor?).  Did husband seriously just ask if he can run to the golf store the night before the birthday party while I am making 72 cupcakes?  Oh, no he didn't.  

Rapping Mary Poppins - This mommy just blasts through the day on a non-stop giggle train.  Every activity is set to a silly song and clean up is a dance party.  She even serves spoons full of sugar without any medicine.

The Lady Who Hired Mary Poppins - Would you two like to watch a show?  Mommy is just going to do one thing on the computer or perhaps write a novel.  In the other room.   By herself.  For as long as you two stay quiet.

Cuddle Wuddle Lovey Dovey Mommy Bear - Just loving on these girls.  They are so unbelievably adorable.  Mommy Bear wants to tickle every thigh and smooch every cheek.  She breathes in all their little baby smells and holds them tight so they don't slip away or grow up while she is not looking.

It is going to be tough to live with this new diagnosis.  I take comfort in having a name now for what I have been feeling.  Though there are no known cures, the doctor suggested I chill out a little, enjoy fresh-washed kid aromatherapy, and a daily dose of kisses.   I’m going to go get me some kisses right now. 

Does anyone else out there suffer from this disorder?  Perhaps we can start a support group in the comments. J 

Comments

  1. Fabulous. Mommy reality. I'm sending this on to my daughter (2 little ones and pregnant) and my daughter-in-law (3 little ones). You just made their day.

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    1. Three kids? oh. That probably calls for another mommy - "Survival of the Fittest Mom" - Throw them outside and let them battle for the swing until one establishes dominance.

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  2. My name is Romelle and I suffer from Mommy Multiple Personality Disorder. Nice to meet you.

    Today I am the Lady Who Hired Mary Poppins and Stretched Thin as a Pin.

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    1. Thank you for sharing Romelle. Together we can fight this disease- as soon as we finish packing lunches, writing our blogs, getting everyone dressed, doing the laundry, organizing the bake sale, ironing shirts, submitting the last manuscript...

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  3. I adored this! you go girl - who knows there are other personalities out there also~!

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    1. I am sure some one has a "Super Attentive Mommy" personality too. But not me.

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  4. Ha! I think you captured the syndrome perfectly!

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    1. There was no page on WebMD, so I did the best I could!

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  5. I related the story to my teens the other day of the time my mother told me to "Go play in the traffic." I guess she was in the Giant Exploding Blueberry Monster mommy mode.
    Thanks for this. It's perfect.

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    1. I love it Kris. I did send the girls in the back yard for an hour last week so I could try to pull the house together, but there isn't any traffic back there :) I get that frustrated though! Luckily, after the explosion Cuddle Wuddle Mommy Bear usually appears.

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  6. Hilarious! I'm quite certain there are more personality disorders yet to be discovered. I am guessing there are 4 more in my house alone! :)

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    1. This week I added "I have a cold. Can't you see your screaming is piercing my brain?" There are so many more...

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